So, I've had blogs in the past, but...

The problem was that I was always trying to do a themed blog- and that's not really me.  It never has been.  I'm good at one thing- being Mandy.  Honestly, it's enough of a struggle to just keep up with myself- let alone trying to portray myself as someone whose actually really good at one particular thing. 

I get bored too easily for that.  I tend to focus all my energy on one or two things at a time.  Then, I'm like done.  That's it, I've had my fill.  (Wish that'd happen with food one of these days...) 

So, at any rate, here we are.  If you're reading this first post, you likely already know me, so you know the basics.  Some people have told me I should blog, and when I used to have my old old blog, I did posts like I'll do here; just random bits and pieces of my life, writing down whatever comes to mind. 

Some posts will be silly.  I'm silly a lot.  Some might be sorta boring.  And some will be rather depressing.  Because that's life, isn't it?  It's a great big jumble of everything.  So I'll do my best to let you wade the waters and see things from my perspective.  You might like some of it, you might hate some of it.  You might disagree with me, and that's okay too. 

Today's not been great.  I don't know how far into that I want to delve, but rest assured, some days I struggle.  It's difficult, you know? 

A month or so ago I weaned myself off the Zoloft I've been taking.  While I'm happy that I'm no longer plagued by the side effects, I miss the nice, even feeling it did give me.  I never took it for depression as much as I did for anxiety, but I'm finding that being anxious all the time allows depression to step forth.  lol  Boo-yah!  And it's not bad all the time; most days I'm pretty good.

I wonder if you've ever dealt with it? 

I wonder how common it actually is.

I realize that everyone perceives it differently.  I have strong (rather irrational) fears of traffic.  Busy highways, new places, anywhere with lots of people...or even some people- I'm instantly uncomfortable.  If I know in advance that I have to go, it makes it all the worse.  Because if you know in advance you have plenty of time to think about it.  Over and over.  That's the loveliness of anxiety- it's the gift that just keeps on giving, and giving, and giving and- well you get the point.

"So stop worrying about stuff.  Think about something else."  That's some actual advice I've received.

Not to be an ass but- that's like the stupidest thing I've ever heard.  If it was that easy, I'd have done it already.  ;) 

 I realize that to you, my fears are irrational and stupid.

But listen- I didn't choose to worry about this crap.  It's just how it is.   I'm dealing with it the best I can. 

In the last year, I've been taking this whole aging thing rather poorly.  I'm worried I'm going to live my life and never have the opportunity to do anything that seems or feels important to me.

It's not like my life is miserable- quite the opposite, actually.  But I do spend most of my time doing the same things...and sometimes a gal wants a little variety.  Sometimes I'd like the chance to do something fun or out of the ordinary. It just feels like I've missed the boat at 36.    

I've been writing a lot lately...  I like it until I read something better, then my heart nearly stops as I realize how grossly inadequate I am as a writer and I feel like utter rubbish until the next day.  A bit up and down, that is.  ;) 

I feel like I should be writing something clever- because who is going to stick around and read this if there isn't anything clever or witty in it? 

I'll likely be more clever and witty in the future.  Today, it's not in the cards, and I hope that's okay.   

Till next time,

Mandy